I've always been sick since this year, and I don't know what's going on, whether it's physical discomfort, or whether it's because I'm in a comfortable web of intimacy. I just want to go back to my shitty red mattress and dream in that dark corner.

One day I dreamt that I was going out on the elevator, and that it was out of power between the floor and the floor, that I was trying to get out of a cave, out of a giant grave, a spectacular rock mountain, and a crumbling hole. I saw my classmates and teachers, who greeted me, and he held me in my arms, and I cried out, "The pillar came to me." My boyfriend came in with a sword, and he cut everyone's head and face, and everyone was splattered, and he said, "I know, I know." We're going to get out of here, and we're going to run under the eyes of the guard at the door, wearing the skin of a man cut to death. I thought the story was coming to an end, and I came out of a huge grave, and I realized that it was a setup, and we started drying up the plasma, and the director said one more. So I went back to my teacher's arms and was raped by the boys in the cabin, and I was humiliated so badly that I ran across the sea pillar at the door and we nodded at each other and we wiped our shoulders. At the end of the road an old woman raised her thumb at him. You are a good actor, looking back to me in his fate. It's over. I woke up, tears flowed through my eyes, and the sea pillar shot me, what happened, had nightmares, and I said I met you twice in parallel time. It is not a love story, it is not a horror story, it is a great pain in my heart, and now it is being suppressed by something warm, and the power of destruction in my body is sealed up, like the skin of a fake, the blood stickles into my skin, and I can't breathe. I don't know what I want, whether I want to face the ravages of great pain in my body, or to find some real decomposition from the outside, and every aspect causes me to drown and suffer.

I grew up at the bottom of the floor, my father was Wu, my mother was a distraught girl, and I was the first college student in the family. When I was a child left behind, I grew up as an isolated youth, and I became my own material, and I thought that expression was the only soul to export until one day I stopped believing in language. The girl I was with at 13 says you haven't changed since, and you don't know when you're going to the opposite side of the world. I looked at her face, and a lot of people became a watershed in my brief life, and I said you too.

In the summer of 2020, she came to Beijing from Suzhou and took a bus from Beijing to Yan's suburbs, and she said she was pregnant and I touched her belly, and I asked her what you felt and she said nothing. I was 19 years old, she was 20 years old, and my mother was 20 years old, and every day I was in her belly, she tried to knock me out. My birth was an unexpected mistake, and the parent connection was an assumption. My friend said to me that I wanted to get rid of the child, and I felt so sad that she was pregnant with me and I was dying again. It's been my nightmare for years, and I've been fantasizing that I'm her, that I'm a child in her belly, that I'm gonna knock it out, that I'm gonna kill myself. I've written another script about this story, and I want to film it...

In the summer of 2023, I cut off my best girlfriend from college. It was hot noon, and she walked in front, and I walked in the back, and she didn't seem to see me, and I didn't intend to stop her, and she went on a taxi and went, and I found her name in a tweet and I ordered the delete button. Why? Everyone's asking why, I don't know, I don't know, it's the day we find out that we don't need each other's hugs anymore. It is amazing that there is no specific hatred and no specific love. When I thought about the abortion that she had done with another girl in the hospital, I remembered that one night, I was thrown by my ex-boyfriend at a river in the suburbs of Beijing, I walked all night to the princess's grave, and she was drunk and chased me to my throat, and I remembered that she had been beaten by a boy and she cried when she saw the same man's shirt, and I held her like a mother. I didn't know how to accept that we didn't need each other anymore, and I never asked for anything from the world, so I was never prepared to lose, and I deleted her.

I'm still writing, obviously, that something is lagging behind, that I cannot broadcast in real time, and that I can no longer accept that my life experience is an instant televised television, all of which is directed by myself. It is an extremely cruel thing for a human being to live, for the accusers to have the fate of their accusers and for the survivors to have their own way of survival, and I am clearly not able to do so, and I have been in an unprovoked misery for too long.

My other boy friend, he's always asking what you say the world wants to tell me. If the world is a concrete thing, then it really deserves to die.

Or don't answer. We have convinced ourselves so much, so much in our own fantasy.

I think the word happiness is the most false and disgusting adjective ever invented.

But I'm gonna do it, though I don't know why, I don't know what to do, and I don't hate it, I'm not angry. I cry every day in a close relationship, and my boyfriend and I do a play that doesn't belong to any of us, and I'm increasingly trying to trust people, and I'm growing less trusting, and I can't see people's faces, and I have to figure it out.

You don't need to look at me, I'll hang myself up and tie myself up, and I'll break it open and I'll show you my brain, my genitals, my liver and my lungs, my skin, my blood, my bones, my shit, my secretive vomit. You see, because I'm not you, it's a whole new field for you, you see, because I'm you, and you suffer the same thing as me. And that same damn feeling connects us to the body of the same gene hundreds of billions of years ago.

Forest 2023.8.24

Author Wisdom

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The Self-Reflection Programme is a deep-seated self-discovery that encompasses the value and organization of personal memory, dreams and various life-story pieces. Through this plan, we hope to join you in building a shared collective unconscious that will allow us to travel together in an infinite ocean. The plan encourages us to look back at our experiences and to combine the fragmented memories and dreams into a meaningful story in order to better understand ourselves, their past and their future. By sharing and sharing these precious pieces, we can build deeper links and jointly explore the complexity and beauty of human life.

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