I have always been sick since the beginning of this year. I don't know what is going on. I don't know whether it is due to physical discomfort or because I am in the comfort net of an intimate relationship. In short, I am trapped. It was awkward to get along with people, and I didn't want to face things at first, including sending a message, and going on a date. I just wanted to go back to my tattered red mattress, in that dark corner, and dream in confusion.
One day I dreamed that I was going to take the elevator out. The elevator had a power outage between floors. I struggled to get out of a hole. Outside was a huge tomb, a spectacular stone mountain, and a winding cave. I saw my classmates, teachers, and teachers. He called me over, he held me in his arms and molested me, I shouted, Haizhu came to save me, my boyfriend rushed in with a samurai sword and slashed at everyone, blood splattered, everyone was split in half, he said, I knew it, I knew it. We want to escape. We wear the human skins of the people who were hacked to death and escape from under the eyes of the guards at the door. I thought the story was about to end. After walking out of the huge tomb, I discovered that it was a set-up. We started to wipe off the blood on our bodies, and the director said there would be one more scene. So here's another one: I returned to the teacher's arms and was molested. I was dragged into a small room by those male students and gang-raped. After being severely humiliated, I met Haizhu passing by at the door. We nodded to each other and passed by. At the end of the road, an old woman with a droopy head gave him a thumbs up, "You are such a good actor." He looked back at me with a fatalistic look. The dream is over. I woke up, tears streaming down from the corners of my eyes, Haizhu patted me, what's wrong, I had a nightmare, I said it seemed like I met you twice in a parallel time and space. This is not a love story, this is not a horror story, this is the huge pain in my heart, and now, it is suppressed by something warm. The destructive power in my body is sealed, like a dummy's skin, and the blood sticks to my skin so thickly that I can't breathe. I don't know what I want. Do I want to face the raging pain from inside my body, or do I want to find some real relief from the outside world? Every aspect makes me addicted and extremely painful.
I grew up at the bottom of the class. My father is Xiao Wu and my mother is a female student who has fallen behind. I am the first college student in my family. When I was a child, I was a left-behind child. When I was older, I was a lonely young man. When I grew up to a stage, I became my own material. I thought that expression was the only outlet for my soul, until one day I no longer believed in language. The girl who has been with me since we were thirteen said that you seem to have never changed from the beginning to the end, and you seem to have gone to the opposite side of the world without knowing when. I looked at her face and realized that many people had become a watershed in my short life, and I said you too.
In the summer of 2020, she ran from Suzhou to Beijing, and then took a bus from Beijing to Yanjiao. She said she was pregnant. I touched her belly and asked her, did you feel anything? She said nothing. I was nineteen and she was twenty. My mother also gave birth to me when she was twenty. Every day I was in her belly, she wanted to abort me. My birth was an accidental mistake, and the connection between the mother and the body was a fantasy. My friend told me that she wanted to abort the child. I suddenly felt very sad. I felt that she was pregnant with me, and now I was about to die again. This incident has become a nightmare for me for many years. I always fantasize that I am her, the child in her belly, I will abort it, and I will kill myself. I wrote script after script about this story, and I wanted to film it...
In the summer of 2023, I cut off contact with my best girlfriend from college. It was a hot noon. She was walking in front and I was walking behind. She didn't seem to see me, and I didn't intend to stop her. She got into a taxi and drove away. I found her name in WeChat and clicked the delete button. Why? Everyone is asking why, I don't know, I don't know, just one day, we found that we no longer need each other's hugs. It's strange that there is no specific hatred and no specific love. I remembered that she went to the hospital to accompany another girl for an abortion on my behalf. I remembered that one New Year's Eve, I was abandoned by my ex-boyfriend by a river in the suburbs of Beijing. I walked alone all night to the Princess Tomb. She was very drunk and chased me, beat me and hugged me while she cried. I remembered that she had been beaten by a boy. When she saw the same men's plaid shirt, she broke down and cried. I hugged her like a mother... I don't know, I don't know how to accept that we no longer need each other. I never asked for anything from this world, so I was never ready to lose, so I deleted her.
I'm still writing, but obviously some things are lagging behind. I can't broadcast it in real time. I can no longer accept that my life experience is a TV that broadcasts it in real time, and the director of it all is myself. Human life is already an extremely cruel thing. Those who tell have their destiny, and those who survive have their own way of survival. But I obviously can't do it, so I have been in unreasonable pain for a long time.
Another boy friend of mine is always asking everyone, what do you think the world wants to tell me. If the world were a concrete thing, it would really be worthy of death.
No more answers. We persuade ourselves so much, so trapped in our own illusions.
I think the word happiness is the most false and disgusting adjective ever invented.
But I still have to do it, even though I don't know why or what to do, even though I still don't hate it or get angry. I cry every day in an intimate relationship. My boyfriend and I made a play that doesn't belong to either of us. I want to trust others more and more, but I don't trust others less and less. I can't see people's faces. I have to figure it out.
You don't need to peek at me, I will hang myself up and tie myself up, break it apart and crush it for you to see, show you my brain, my genitals, my heart, liver and lungs, my skin, my blood, my skeleton, my shit, my urine, my secretions and vomit. You have to see, because I am not you. This is a new realm of living bodies for you. You have to see, because I am also you. In fact, you also suffer the same sins as me. This same damn body sensation connects us, back to the same genetic body trillions of years ago.
woods 2023.8.24
Author WeChat
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The Self-Material Project is an exploration into the inner self, which includes cherishing and organizing personal memories, dreams and various life fragments. We hope that through this plan, we can build a shared collective subconscious with you, so that we can roam together in the infinite sea. This program encourages us to look back on our experiences and piece together fragmented memories and dreams into a meaningful story in order to better understand ourselves, our past and our future. By sharing and communicating these precious moments, we can create deeper connections and explore together the complexity and beauty of human life.
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