How long?
I think almost twenty years.
How about twenty years?
I have been having sex with my father in my dreams.
How often do you have dreams like this?
Probably once a year, starting when I was about eleven years old. I am twenty-nine years old this year.
Are you ashamed in your dream?
Yes, sometimes it is shameful.
Was there anyone else in the dream?
Yes, sometimes my mother is around, but we still muddle along.
Are you forced or happy in your dream?
I think, in dreams, my genitals sink most of the time.
Why does such a dream occur?
I'm sorry, I don't know why.
Painful?
Yes, I was in pain and confused.
Who is my father? Is it the author of my childhood sexual trauma? Or the object of my sexual fantasies? Is it important to clarify reality? Yes, important. What are the facts? Sexual trauma or fantasy? Are memories facts? Can I tell the difference between dreams and reality? How should I deal with myself after waking up from a dream? In reality, how should I face my late father? How to deal with his daily deep and attentive care?
What kind of person is he?
Careful, sensitive, suspicious, with high emotional intelligence, in my cousin's words, very social, handsome, with many admirers, and of course the most important characteristic - he loves me.
When I was in high school, my father would drive me to and from school every day. Now when classmates get together, they still mention it, "Your dad is really good to you." How good is it? When my shoelaces came loose while walking on the road, he would take the initiative to squat down and tie my shoelaces. When I was tired, he would boil water for me to soak my feet when I got home, wash and rub my feet, and even massage my body, of course, with a layer of clothing.
It's a pity that in my memory, I don't have the beauty that others see. I only remember the bloody violence, accompanied by his unfathomable darkness and disgusting behavior. During the years when his political career was permanently suspended, he was always like a furious lion, proclaiming his territory over and over again and not letting anyone get close. He was also like a rat in the gutter, living under the dark roof beams, curling up his body and letting the wind and rain rage around him. That kind of suffocating so-called "love" is like binding you to the ground to accept the judgment and ravage of God. Of course, this God is undoubtedly played by him. Yes, he wants to take his daughter as his own. Every time he looks at the prisoner in his eyes, he reveals his love wrapped in selfish desires, which makes me sick.
When I was about 10 years old, one night, I fell asleep on the big bed in my parents' master bedroom. The adults were playing cards in the guest room while I slept. Suddenly, I was woken up by a pair of hands. His hands were playing with my labia. In a daze, he stood up and walked out of the door. I saw a familiar silhouette, his outline was outlined by the faint white light of the outer room. Yes, at that glance, I made a judgment while half asleep. Who is that? Is it him? Or my mother? Is he a guest here to play cards? No, that figure is extremely familiar.
I didn't dare to think about it any more, so when I was young, I decided to rationalize this memory. I didn't recognize who it was that day, whether it was my mother or my father or who it was. Or should I be bolder and let me complete this rationalization? Did that moment happen? That person only came to cover me with the quilt that day. He never put his hand into the quilt, let alone played with my private parts. So, with my efforts, half of this memory was erased by the eraser and scattered in pieces.
But this memory fragment is too real, how can I erase it so easily? I can even remember the moment I saw his silhouette.
"So what if you remember? This is just your sexual fantasy!!!" Such a voice often echoes in my mind. Is this really an illusion in my dream? Was it me who longed for sex with my father? If this is the case, I am happy and can accept it calmly, because it is me who is so perverted, not him.
But what if it turns out to be what I and all the viewers have guessed? If it was really him that night, how should I deal with it? How do I rationalize my relationship with him? How do I rationalize my father? How to survive???
That year, I had just finished the college entrance examination and was still underage. Under the influence of some kind of avant-garde art magazine, I began to advocate the freedom of underwear and became accustomed to "running naked". Of course, my breasts had already developed by then. It was the summer vacation when I just learned to drive. I was sitting in the driver's seat and about to fasten my seat belt. His hand reached over and slid up and down my back. He touched the back buckle of my bra. Later, I told my mother, and she laughed and said, "Your dad just likes to care whether you wear socks or a bra. It's not a big deal." Later, he tried to pat my back again. Every time we walked side by side, I followed the movement of his fingers with vigilance. He never dared to "check" my back button again. Is it because he didn't dare to do this when I grew up? Or for a man, actually putting his hand on any corner of a woman's upper back is enough to judge whether she is wearing a bra?
Later, I grew up and became something he couldn't control. Later, we also had some warm moments in ordinary people's homes. But most of the time, I would hesitate and feel nauseous when facing his caller ID. I couldn't overcome it and didn't know how to deal with it. Later, I got seriously ill, and we came to Beijing for treatment and lived in the same standard hotel room. Nothing happened between us, except for the dream I had year after year, the dream that subverted the ethical standards, reminding me year after year that I have pain and obstacles that I can never overcome in my life.
I went to the hospital the other day and the doctor told me that my vagina was full of viruses and it was running rampant. I want to ask the doctor to use scissors to cut off my vagina along the labia and reach my uterus. In this way, all sins will disappear, and at the moment when my body is mutilated, I will complete self-castration.
The Self-Material Project is an exploration into the inner self, which includes cherishing and organizing personal memories, dreams and various life fragments. We hope that through this plan, we can build a shared collective subconscious with you, so that we can roam together in the infinite sea. This program encourages us to look back on our experiences and piece together fragmented memories and dreams into a meaningful story in order to better understand ourselves, our past and our future. By sharing and communicating these precious moments, we can create deeper connections and explore together the complexity and beauty of human life.
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