The heavens bear witness that if the sun sheds tears, self-esteem will melt like bad ice cream, and some souls will be haunted by nightmares for a long time. When the music played from the loudspeaker, the hound-like teenagers identified the direction on the dusty playground and rushed to their respective positions. On another special day, in addition to preaching about the great situation, the principal also reviewed the school's glorious school history: In 1929, Sun Zhen, deputy commander of the 29th Army of the People's Liberation Army, generously donated money to run the school. In a few years, one of the best private schools in the country was built in the southwest corner of the country (from Huang Yanpei, a red educator recognized by great men). In order to comply with the general trend that blood is thicker than water and love is as deep as the sea on both sides of the Taiwan Strait, with the approval of the authorities, the school name "Shude" was restored... I was distracted and caught a glimpse of the gray teaching building on the left, with bullet holes from the X-Men wars vaguely visible on the outer wall. I remembered the old teacher saying that gunfire was constant during the day, and the building was full of earth-made stumbling landmines, and I couldn't help but shudder. The hardened soil on the soles of the feet seemed to become moist, and a group of duck-voiced sex sects escorted the shaved teacher around the playground. The teacher fell down, and they picked her up and continued running, and then dragged her on the ground. Whips, wooden sticks, and slaps were flying. The teacher was held down on her head and drank water from the mire... The amplification effect of the big speaker was not stable, and the principal's voice turned into an old capon.
Compared with history, the more specific sense of oppression comes from senior boys. They carry cigarettes, daggers and muscles on their bodies, and they talk all about "Taipei is not my home, and my hometown has no neon lights." They may rush in front of you at any time, twist your neck, and lower their voices: "Young man, borrow some money to spend" - I hope this is just a delusion of persecution. One afternoon in the second grade of junior high school, I had just locked my bicycle when a chair smashed through the roof of the carport, fell from the sky, and landed on my head. At that time, my vision went dark, and I suddenly felt that the end was coming. It took me a long time to recover. I didn't tell anyone about it afterward, because I knew no one would investigate the cause for me, except my parents, but I didn't want to add to their worries. Fortunately, this compromised disaster did not damage my intelligence, but my head seemed to be harder.
If one had to choose an image for the horrors of adolescence, it would undoubtedly be him: Chen, the head teacher of the third year of junior high school, a mathematics teacher. Later, no matter where I heard people talking about the 1980s like a white-headed palace maid talking about Xuanzong, I was somewhat disdainful, because I was not forgetful. I used the scraper of memory to carve out many details of the barbarism, vulgarity and vulgarity that were characteristic of the times, and I dared to take responsibility for my disapproval of its integrity. The children of X government officials, X team cadres, and state-owned enterprise bosses can enter the school without test score restrictions. Those who spend money to enter are called "Qian Xuesen," or "money students." Whenever the school boasted that Pan Wenhua, Sun Zhen's boss, had failed in his attempt to get his son and nephew to join the school, it was like a slap in the face. From the privacy of campus to the surrounding streets, bullying is everywhere. "I'll give your baby some blood!" is the mantra of young bullies. This stinking world is no less impressive than the lower class society in Peking described by Lao She. But for me, it is not the most dangerous nightmare, because I can't get rid of Chen's dehydrated kidney bean face all year round.
Chen has a withered body, a hale and hearty spirit, and protruding eyes, showing good thyroid function. He graduated from a junior college class at Chengdu University. He claims to be very familiar with Western classical music and has a large collection of imported tapes. However, in my impression, he has never hummed a complete melody without being off-key. The bad relationship between me and Chen started with a small dispute: he asked the whole class to copy the theorems in the mathematics textbook ten times, otherwise the class would not be dismissed. I dared to raise objections. Chen suddenly became furious, and the twelve-year-old me advised him not to get angry... From that day on, I fell into purgatory. It was no longer possible to have friends. Any classmate who played with me would be suppressed by Chen. If we did not break off the friendship immediately, he would take the time to visit the parents and warn their parents with a savior-like authority: Don't play ball with him, don't pick up on his comments, avoid him and go home. Your son will hopefully go to college. All class cadres and students who pursue progress have the responsibility to supervise my words and deeds and report to Chen. However, he prefers to peek at my every move through the crack in the classroom door. Then he suddenly leans out half of his body and yells at me who is talking with gritted teeth: You can run away, you are a fool! I pay tribute to Mr. Chen, who took the trouble to intensify and train my practical writing skills, and forced me to write self-reflection letters day after day, also called inspection, and sometimes called "understanding". In the past three years, I have accumulated at least four to five hundred copies! I gradually learned to enjoy the process of the pen tip sliding, rising and falling on the paper. The sense of absurdity slowly grew, and sometimes it seemed as if I could look down on myself from the ceiling. Most people laugh at bad luck as part of bad luck, bad luck is part of compulsory education, and compulsory education is part of non-violent non-cooperation. Chen also hated me extremely for playing table tennis after school. Once I was caught playing table tennis, the racket and net would take his surname. He has a habit of pretending to leave school and then come back to make sure everyone gets the stolen goods.
Once again, I pay tribute to Chen. Without his careful design, I would not have been able to experience the feeling of being convicted for literary crimes with my minor body and mind. One day, Mr. Chen called me to his office and mysteriously asked me to write an article, using a physics teacher who continued to work despite being ill as the protagonist, to highlight the selfless dedication of people's teachers. The key point was to express the current situation that intellectuals in transition are generally short-changed in terms of material rewards, and strive to attract the attention of various industries. After I finished writing this essay, Chen had another handle on me. He threatened with a serious face: The school leaders read your article and agreed that there is a problem with your ideological tendency, and it is not a small problem! I forgot to defend myself and only saw him talking wildly. When I walked out of the office, I couldn't help but want to vomit, and I retched several times. Several years later, Situ Zhaodun once told me that Xia, the only witness of his father Situ Huimin's latent work at a certain stage, refused to testify. Situ Huimin said: He wants my life. In another context, my life or death may be uncertain. However, the narrative that lacks innovation is plagiarized in another time and space, and the destructive intensity is not satisfactory. I despise Chen for inheriting the mantle of persecution. His behavior is as dirty as maggots fluttering in a dry toilet, but Breaking the Sky has only developed into a fable full of loopholes, or a joke like water-filled pork.
How to describe Chen's good intentions and deep affection for me, like Shakespeare, comparing it to a summer day? He frequently advised me to drop out of school and stop being a bad guy. When he saw that I kept my head down and said nothing, he offered to take a step back and send me to a work-study school. Chen even expressed that he would rather use his social connections to contact me on his behalf. It's hard to overestimate his power of action. If I had been replaced by another person of the same age, his helpless parents would probably suffer the loss of a life. Just driving people crazy and stupid would be considered merciful. Perhaps only Stanislavsky understood Chen's supreme mission, like the legendary trafficker stuffing the abducted boy into a bottle? Use a hard container to prevent his body from growing and at the same time create a deformed, big-headed doll? Unfortunately, my nerves are getting stronger day by day, and my body is getting stronger day by day. Before I was fifteen years old, I was more than half a head taller than Chen. I could run 100 meters in under 12 seconds, do thirty pull-ups in one go, and I was not afraid when I met the senior classmate with a sinister face - Literature? Art? Family affection? friendship? To be precise, all beautiful things gave me the strength to overcome being bullied by ugly people. I spent my spare time in Xinhua Bookstore, foreign language bookstore and ancient book bookstore, absorbing nutrients from the rhymes of Yang Xiong, Sima Xiangru, Chen Ziang, Li Bai, Du Fu, Li He and Li Shangyin, and from Thomas Hood, John Keats, Wordsworth, Bo The writings of Mrs. Ronning, Longfellow and "The Rubaiyat" are open-minded, and I seek the courage to resist violence and insult from the heroes of "Three Heroes of Swords", "Seven Heroes of Five Righteousness", "Little Five Righteousness" and "Continued Little Five Righteousness", and enter into "Selected Works", "Parallel Style Wenchao", "Ten Thousands of Tang Dynasty Quatrains" and "Complete Tang Poems" to collect my fragile but refusing to be mediocre dream...
Idioms are my best friends, such as "Besieged on all sides", "The road is as wide as the eyes", "Please enter the urn", and "Keep your mouth shut." But occasionally I would use the rules of the game to be wild. I liked to say eloquently in front of the student cadres sent by Chen to monitor me: "Chen, I'm going to let you go!" One of the Youth League branches, S secretary Wu, whose parents were teachers at the provincial school of I rode a bicycle from the Meteorological College where my father taught, passed through the iron gate of the Fourth Supervisor, and entered the middle school. I said goodbye to Chen's amateur performance scene and went straight to the ancient book bookstore shaded by green trees behind the lonely bronze statue of Sun Yat-sen on Chunxi Road. After bending down to read for a long time, I often feel briefly dizzy when I look up. The colorful book titles dance, and the world begins to fluctuate, following a gentle curve. In a trance, an old gentleman with white hair and beard bowed to another old gentleman: Brother, when I was in Oxford... the city has completely degraded through demolition, and physical landmarks with humanistic value are always the first to die. And I will always miss my Chinese teacher, Mr. Huang Zhenru, I want to show him the poems and dramas I wrote, the movies I made, the magazines I edited, and talk about the unexpected eminent monks and adulterous monks, the sage and the demonic, the academics and the scoundrels, the aristocrats and the rich businessmen who intentionally or unintentionally offended, the gentlemen and the villains, the gangsters and the magicians...
It has been almost thirty years since Mr. Huang left this world, and I seem to be getting closer and closer to his literature-obsessed, sincere love and hate heart. There were so many cold or humid evenings that we rode together, because there were endless names like Xu Wei, Fu Shan, Wang Duo, and He Shaoji. I would send him to the door of my house, but he was not satisfied and sent me home again. Along the way, we commented on the writing methods of old and new signboards along the way, appreciated the writing power and skillful skills of old craftsmen, and brought out the unique wretchedness of the officials of the Book Association. The old stories he told always had a different meaning. For example, after the X-creator sect ransacked the house and only left a set of Wang Li's "Ancient Chinese", Teacher Huang was puzzled. Later, an expert reminded: The Chinese X-literary also had a Wang Li with the same name. Going to school is a long-lasting punishment, but if you grit your teeth and hold on, there is hope that "it will be beneficial to you." Everything I love is encouraged and blessed by Teacher Huang. Reading, memorizing, and chanting allow the "Book of Songs" and "Chu Ci" to penetrate into my blood, and understand Shakespeare and Tagore in different styles. He gave me a copy of "Tian Wen" in small regular script and told others: Chen Li loved Qu Yuan the most. "Huang Sheng is fond of reading poetry, and he works hard to find out. He is often shy about making statements, but he is unwilling to make promises. Sometimes he gets a witty saying, and it is as fast as unlocking a key. He is full of energy, and he is just a new leader. How he has endured the hard times and ten years of turmoil. Although he has been worried about the dangers, his ambition is to write..." This is a poem written by Mr. Lu Jianyu, another erudite scholar in our school, to Mr. Huang. I would like to bow to the spirits of the two teachers in heaven.
That day, Mr. Chen made a fuss and kicked me out of school. I had a fever when I got home. When grandma went to ask me for sick leave, she met Teacher Huang first. He said that no one had the right to deprive students of their freedom to attend class. Chen didn't panic and told his grandmother: "Chen Li's condition is serious, but we have not given up on saving him. We are going to hold a meeting soon. I will chair it and invite teachers from all subjects, parent representatives and all class cadres to participate. How about treating the disease and saving lives?", everyone worked together to give him advice, find the root cause of the disease, prescribe prescriptions, and administer strong medicine. Chen Li made good notes and wrote a written guarantee to make corrections within a time limit and not to abandon himself to the collective. "It is a pity that Chen has an eye for gold and jade, and his grandmother is a veteran of Xinhai. The only daughter who attended Aurora University Law School immediately retorted: "It's feasible, but it must be reported to the school committee and the Chengdu Municipal Education Bureau, and reporters from daily newspapers, evening newspapers and TV stations are invited to cover the whole process. It has been more than ten years since the end of the Cultural Revolution, and you are very But if you do not reflect deeply and still engage in great criticism, it will harm the future of the motherland. It is indeed time to attract the attention of the whole society." Chen was stunned, and his grandmother walked away with a parting message: Wouldn't it be great to teach the world's talents? After a while, the whole class was going to Pujiang for an autumn trip to Chaoyang Lake and planned to stay one night. Chen did not allow me to participate. Teacher Huang interceded on his behalf and hit a snag. Chen said that if he went, the whole class would cancel the event. Teacher Huang comforted me: When the time comes, you can follow me on the station wagon. I hope he will be too embarrassed to kick us both out. I didn't go, but I remember Teacher Huang's kindness deeply.
Many years later, I was making tea with a couple around the stove. The female director sitting across from me was planning to make a documentary about "A Hundred Years of Film", and she asked a senior filmmaker named Yimi to have a drink in the evening. I said half-jokingly
"I'm just worried that I can't find this scumbag."
"Why do you say that?"
"He and I went to the same elementary school and middle school, and we have known each other for a long time."
"It goes without saying that my father is the founder of X and country X, and the secretary of X committee."
"I know that from Experimental Primary School to Ninth Middle School, his grades have been ranked last in the grade for more than ten years. He is semi-literate."
"But they rewrote the film history of Country X."
"I know that he is the leader of the XX East Ideological Fighting Team of Ninth Middle School, or Jiumao for short. I also know that the day before, he was eating at the teacher's house and making up lessons. The next day, he picked up X, beat the teacher with a belt, and pooped in the human rice vat."
The most absurd situation in the world is that what you consider an unforgivable crime may be as trivial to others as urinating in a swimming pool or letting go of sex in a bus, which highlights the cuteness of the person with the red X's hormonal leakage. I remembered that Teacher Huang mentioned that one of his students was the son of Li Jingquan. He personally said that Li Zhitai dyed his head red with the blood of millions of Sichuan people. After taking a closer look at the lady opposite, I felt sad.
The small gathering broke up unhappy. Afterwards, the female director described to a mutual friend that I looked murderous at that time. Amitabha, it is undeniable that I am often angry because of worry, or worried because of anger. Chen was awarded the title of special teacher as he wished, and served as the vice principal and superintendent of a middle school, living and drinking until he retired. Compared with the wolves, tigers and leopards in this land, he is not even worthy of a bed bug. Teacher Huang's soul returned to Daoshan prematurely, so he could be considered safe. I look into my heart in the clear night, and I have an indescribable admiration for them. Teacher Huang has carried the noble character of a scholar throughout his life. He secretly followed Song Yi Fangjia, fearing to follow in the footsteps of Qi Liang. If the earth cannot be maintained and the pillars of heaven cannot be upheld, people will eat each other and lead beasts to eat people, or the world will be chaotic, good and evil will be indistinguishable, slanderers will be arrogant, and wise men will be nameless. He should be self-disciplined and self-respected according to his wishes as an elder. His life of being wronged and humiliated by mediocrity taught me that dignity comes with a price, it is extremely expensive. And Chen Mou is actually my superior condition for reverse growth, the so-called Bodhisattva of the Crossing Bodhisattva. He tried too hard to explain to me all the despicable aspects of the official education system, lamenting that he was punching and kicking me even in my dreams. His words and deeds prove that there is no freedom, fairness or even security in Dongsheng China. As a human being, if you don't cherish light, you may commit yourself to darkness. As for the middle ground of dark gray, light gray, flesh-colored, and pink, its legitimacy lies in stifling all scientific, artistic, or academic innovation. It is reminiscent of the performance of "The Master and Margarita" at the Masterskaya Theater in St. Petersburg this summer in Shanghai. Afterwards, a group of local experts were arranged to discuss the show. Director Kozlov sits among this group of theater laymen, dwarfs and imbeciles to receive praise and criticism. Does he expect to be led by the devil to fly? I just want to say: evil! What to say! When our self-consciousness and aesthetic attitude awaken, we may conflict with that kind of destructive violent machine or appendage at any moment. In modern society, tangible and intangible destruction is a daily coercion, and its density has increased due to the abundance of communication methods. How could I downplay how hurtful it was? How can we let it go unchecked? Fortunately, until now I still have the strength to stand, breathe, think, and sort out my position. I have given in, I may still give in, and I have been defeated by sadness countless times, but not at this moment. At this moment, I want to declare my position, my position, to every person or elf who has the patience to listen to me, using my tarnished and hammered language.
During the graduation season of junior high school, Chen did not change his true nature as a literary and artistic person, and gave each person in the class two lines of old poetry. What he gave me was "To be complacent in wine is to learn too much, and to be ungrateful in poetry is to be ungrateful." The taste of reading it today is slightly different from that of the past. First of all, I understood the hostility that travels through time and space. Cause and effect are clear. Seek kindness and get kindness. Don't be happy or fearful. Furthermore, my unique will has given me the strength to build a spiritual fortress, and I am eager to share this journey with tears, sweat, blood and laughter through poetry, prose, drama or images. Third, borrow a sentence from Dr. Johnson's letter to the Earl of Chesterfield: I have a stable mind and cannot be deceived by you; I have escaped from ghosts and cannot be damaged by you; I am full of Dharma joy and can discuss with the envoy. Using Buddhism's concept of turning consciousness into wisdom, you might as well read your curse, treat it as an ambiguous and meaningful prayer, and smile.