It's very difficult to recall, but I feel a small sense of satisfaction in wanting to do so now.
I am extremely thin. I am now 1.79 meters tall and weigh less than 110 pounds. I had a similar body shape when I was a kid, and I was never fat. I've been fighting since I was a kid, and although I won a lot of times, I got beaten much more often. The powerlessness I felt when I was beaten made me very unwilling and angry.
My parents are both from rural areas, Luannan, Tangshan. My father failed the college entrance examination for the second time. When there was a recruitment examination for state-owned enterprises, my father passed it and came to the location of the factory, which is the Nanpu Development Zone to work and settle down. My mother followed him after marrying him. My father's employer is Tangshan Sanyou Group, which is very large. I have lived in the family building of Sanyou Alkali Plant since I was a child.
When I was in elementary school, my uncle suddenly returned to Nanpu Development Zone from Dongguan to join my mother, taking the wife he met in Dongguan with him. I don't know where to start talking about him. The trivial matters of the family are always complicated and confusing.
My grandma has three children. The first is my aunt from her ex-husband, the second is my mother, and the third is my uncle. In my mother's words, her bastard brother has not studied hard since he was a child and does not make people worry. My mother's parents did not support my mother's education, but fully supported my uncle.
I never listened carefully to what my mother told me about family matters. What she probably meant was that my uncle only cared about the family and asking for money for fun, and never cared about his studies. His junior high school and high school were unwilling to accept him, and his family gave the school a lot of money so that he could barely stay in school. He kept making his family spend money. He made his family spend a lot of money. Afterwards, he was admitted to university, majoring in computer science, and became the pride of the villagers.
After graduation, he was humiliated by his fellow villagers, with some saying he was incapable of success. After returning home, he punched the wall and vowed to make a career. He went to Dongguan without hesitation to embrace the circle drawn by Deng Xiaoping.
This description must be even more untrue, the paraphrase is untrue, and my impression of what my mother told me is particularly distorted.
My mother also said that he was cheated in Dongguan and had his arm broken.
My grandma's ex-husband was strong and handsome, but he later went to jail for robbery. My grandma took my aunt and had to marry a loser in the village and gave birth to my mother and my uncle. After my uncle came back from Dongguan, he and my grandfather, father and son, seemed to hate each other very much, and they were always fighting each other every time they met. Maybe my uncle simply looked down on his father and suffered from having such a father. Of course, this is nonsense, and such simple and subjective speculation cannot be believed.
When I write about family, it takes a lot of words to explain things clearly, it has to be long paragraphs, and it contains very little information, which really bores me. Because of my mother, I have no patience to sort out family relationships. Let me write patiently and try to record as many memories as I can.
As soon as my uncle returned to the north, he borrowed 20,000 to 30,000 yuan from my mother and started courier work. He has not paid back the money to this day. He also bought some computer accessories and repaired computers at the express delivery point.
After he came back, my mother was very interested in cursing his wife with me. She said that this southern bitch was very showy at first sight. She didn't work or do housework, and would only spend my uncle's money on a bunch of snacks and cosmetics. In her opinion, my uncle had fallen on his wife. If he married a wife who was a housekeeper, it would definitely not be like this. My mother often helps my uncle at his express delivery point. When my uncle is irritable at work, he will take out his grievances on my mother. Later, after the word "Fu Di Mo" appeared on the Internet, the first thing I thought of was my mother.
It's really similar to many TV dramas and web articles. My mother likes to watch TV series.
My uncle brought me a lot of new things. When I was in fifth or sixth grade, he gave me a ride on his motorcycle. A big scooter, Haojue's. The power of the automatic motorcycle was really outrageous. I twisted the accelerator a little, and the car jumped out like a dog. Later, I hit the wall and flattened the bumper. My uncle never let me touch that car again. He told me that when he was riding in Dongguan, he often exceeded his speed, that is, he rode faster than the speed shown on the dial. I also rode the electric three-wheel he used to deliver express delivery, and I thought it was very easy to ride. Later I enjoyed riding all kinds of bikes.
When he was repairing computers, he often told me about computer parts, and I gradually understood how a computer should be installed. One time, my mother picked up a broken case from outside and gave it to me to play with. I patched up the parts, installed the system, connected the monitor of my computer to it, and it turned on. I asked my uncle for a keyboard, mouse, and monitor. At that time, I had two computers at home.
I played Vice City on my uncle's computer, and it was probably the first good game I ever played. Later I found several pornographic films on his computer, all of which were about women and dogs. I still don't know how he found it. There is also a folder with a lot of photos in it, showing the process of a woman getting dressed, taking off her clothes, and then getting dressed again. She wore sexy lingerie and a very erotic mask.
I have no recollection of my attitude towards my uncle at that time. He still has no children today, maybe he likes me. And I was having a great time playing at my uncle's place while listening to my mother scolding my uncle and his wife. My likes and dislikes about him have been completely blurred in my memory. What is more clear in my memory is his car, computer, and the games and pornographic movies on the computer.
At that time, my parents started to set up a stall on the pedestrian street to sell some of his USB flash drives, mice and other things. That probably piqued my dad's interest. He started to buy a lot of socks, and they were all piled up on my balcony. He is no longer content with the fate of an ordinary state-owned enterprise worker. He wants to reverse the mediocre reality by setting up a stall and selling socks. Later, these socks were accumulated in my home for many years. When I was in high school, those socks gradually disappeared from my home. I should be the biggest beneficiary of my parents' stall, because they are out for a long time and I don't have to study at home and can play games for a long time.
My aunt is ordinary-looking, but she has fair skin, nice skin, and big breasts.
One day, my grandma broke her body while working in the fields. My mother took her to my home for treatment. When I followed my mother to the hospital, my grandma's body was covered in blood, and the smell of old people and blood mixed into a very pungent and unpleasant smell.
According to my mother, my grandma was very mean to her. She never gave my mother the warmth of a mother, and she never beat or scolded me. She never supported my mother going to school. My mother finished technical secondary school. She said that this was the result of her efforts to fight against her parents. My mother said that her grades were more outstanding than mine when she was in school. She probably wasn't lying, because from her description of her student days, she was probably the kind of top student in the class who abided by rules and regulations, and was a bit annoyingly righteous. Despite this, she said, she was still disrespected by her classmates and teachers because her parents were not well-liked by the villagers.
My mother majored in agricultural machinery in technical secondary school. After graduation, she worked as a miscellaneous worker in the grain bureau and was later laid off. In her words, her mother is the same as the rural woman in many people's impressions. My grandma believed that my mother should not work. She once went to the Grain Bureau and other workplaces where my mother found a job after she was laid off, and made a big fuss, which made it impossible for my mother to go to work. In addition, she often threatened my mother by hanging herself to force her not to go to work.
When talking about this, my mother will perfectly become the victim, with tears in her eyes.
This is why I later thought my mother was hopelessly stupid. Because after my grandma broke down, she served my grandma for fifteen years. It was not until the end of last year that my grandma finally died and went to the place she should have gone to fifteen years ago.
After the information age, the information everyone receives has increased exponentially, and everyone understands countless truths, including me. However, many concepts are only given to us by external systems, and we do not know that they represent or represent the interests of those groups. Therefore, these concepts are just texts that exist in the human mind. But the saying that there is no dutiful son before a long-term illness is absolutely correct, so damn right. Caring for an elderly person who cannot take care of himself is too painful.
When I write about my family, my words are very different from the words I write about school experiences.
When I was very young, I went back to my hometown with my mother. My grandparents liked me and used to play with me. Some of them are still retained in my memory. As I get older, I feel pain and anger every time I think about my grandma playing with me.
Later, people who knew my mother in the development zone spoke highly of her and said she was a rare filial son. After my grandma broke down, she couldn't take care of herself. My mother fed her every day, helped her to poop and pee, moved her joints, wiped her body, and soaked her feet. My grandma often pooped and peed on the bed, and my mother would always change her sheets in time. Over the years, my grandma's condition has become more and more serious, and my mother has become more and more tired. After my grandma died, I went home some time ago and heard my mother chatting with an aunt of a similar age. That aunt also had elderly people at home. My mother happily shared with her her experience in dealing with feces and urine.
My grandma often babbles, regardless of time, sometimes very loudly. My mother would scold her whenever she screamed, but it never worked. She would suddenly yell when I was doing homework or sleeping, which affected me very much.
According to my mother, this originated from my grandma's obsession. She loves her ex-husband very much, and she loves my aunt she gave birth to with her ex-husband the most. She looked down on my grandfather and my mother, but she loved my uncle. After her ex-husband was imprisoned, my grandma missed him very much. Finally, many years after giving birth to my mother and my uncle, she got what she wanted. One stormy night with thunderous thunder, her ex-husband climbed into the yard of her house and put his hands and face against the window to look at my grandma.
One year, my mother finally couldn't stand my grandma's demands all day long and sent her back to my aunt's house in the village to take care of her. A few months later my mother took her back and she was covered in sores.
The floor plan of my family building is very poor, which really doesn't match the size of my dad's unit. My house has a small living room that is useless, a small kitchen, bathroom, balcony, and two large bedrooms. My grandma lived in one room, and my parents and I lived in one room. This left me with very little room to move around the house, because the room my grandma lived in always smelled bad.
When I was a kid, my mom stopped looking for a job and she raised me full time. Not two years after I took care of myself, my grandma broke it. Then my mother decided she had to work, so she started sweeping the streets and working as a cleaner. This makes me feel incredible, because my father's salary is not enough to support the family, and she is more educated than most people in the development area. Her job as a cleaner also made me feel embarrassed in front of my classmates, because most of my classmates are the children of Sanyou Group employees and they all live in the same community. She chose to be a cleaner because the working hours of a cleaner are one or two hours at four o'clock in the morning and one or two hours in the afternoon, and she gets a meager salary. This way she can spend most of her time taking care of my grandma. She also made buns at a breakfast shop, but that breakfast shop often kept my mother working until the morning, so she went back to work as a cleaner. When my uncle came back from Dongguan, my grandma was paralyzed. My mother had to take care of my grandma, sweep the streets, help my uncle with express delivery, and take care of me.
When I chat with my mother, I will say it bluntly, I respect you, I appreciate you, and I understand your behavior, but I think you are stupid.
When my mother didn't have time, she would ask me to turn my grandma over, but she didn't ask me to catch her urine. I would also turn my grandma over, but it was always disgusting.
My grandma's years of dragging her down have made my mother very tired, and I feel very sorry for my mother. At the end of last year, I received a call from my mother at night. She said that my grandma had passed away and asked me to go home. I was ecstatic and happily got on the train home the next morning. I was in a very bad state at that time, but my grandma's death made me in a much better state.
After the funeral, my mother and my aunt had an argument. My mother clapped her hands, stamped her feet, and shouted hysterically.
When I was very young, my mother pushed me very hard to study, so that I could study well. When I was young, my classmates were all playing outside, and I spent most of my time doing homework. Later, I learned very easily on my own and my grades were always very good, so she stopped caring about my studies. I don't thank her for forcing me to study, nor do I hate her for it.
Now my grandpa is taking care of himself at home. In my memory, except for crying at my grandma's funeral, my uncle never visited his parents. So does my aunt. They seem to be breaking the law.
When I was a child, I had a dog, a black and white puppy. The female was supposed to be a butterfly dog. When my parents and I went to the market, I liked this puppy very much, so I bought it for five yuan. He was very fat when he was first bought back and was named Pangpang. However, he became very thin when he grew up. In front of the administrative building of Sanyou Group is a beautiful square and an artificial lake. After Pangpang grew up, I took him for a walk in the square every day. Sometimes I would wade in the shallow water of the artificial lake, with Pangpang swimming beside me. I hold it in my arms and kiss it all the time at home, and the elders who come to visit me will think it is unhygienic for me to kiss it.
When Pangpang was one year old, she gave birth to a litter of puppies, which were even fatter than when she was a child. I play often. One day I was playing with the puppies, and Pangpang was in another room. I accidentally dropped the puppy, and it started barking. Pangpang immediately ran over to check and saw the puppy on the ground and me next to the nest. It didn't do anything. It has been emotionally unstable at times since then.
That litter of puppies was given to my grandfather, but he didn't even have to feed them and died.
Pangpang was sent away when he was more than a year old. My aunt and uncle were married for the second time, and my aunt brought a daughter with her when she married him. When Pangpang was more than a year old, before my grandma fell down, my aunt became pregnant, and she wanted to give my uncle another child herself. She must have been nearly fifty at that time. In order to avoid Planned Parenthood, she wanted to take refuge in my home. It is said that dogs are not good for pregnant women, so the adults decided to send Pangpang to my hometown village to be raised by my grandmother until my aunt gave birth to a baby before sending him back.
My dad basically doesn't have the majesty of a traditional Chinese father figure. When he talks to me, he basically recommends books to me, or talks about light topics like history. But when he talks about important things, such as family, or what is on his mind, he will immediately shut up and never say a word. To this day, he has never had a heart-to-heart talk with me, not a single word. But after my aunt came to live with me, she would deliberately show discipline to me. It seems that his brother is very important to him.
My cousin, my aunt's daughter, also lived with my aunt at my house for a long time.
After my aunt gave birth to the baby, the dog was not returned. My parents told me that the dog ran away in the village. I called my grandma and she said that the dog ran away. I didn't believe it because Pangpang was very smart and the fence of my grandma's house was also very high. So I asked irritably for details. At this time, I heard my uncle on the other end of the phone scolding my grandma. He said that my grandma couldn't even coax a child. I started cursing as I realized they might have been lying to me from the beginning. I don't remember how the call ended.
Later, I talked to my uncle on the phone and I scolded him again. He didn't take me seriously. He even lied to me very casually and refused to do it seriously. My cousin once had dinner at my house. When this matter was brought up at the dinner table, I yelled at my cousin. My dad was very unhappy and immediately and sternly asked me to admit my mistake. I shouted to my dad that I was not wrong and started crying. In my memory, I once heard someone say that my aunt thought I was very ignorant.
I was very emotionally unstable at that time and cried at every turn. Once I wanted to go out to find a dog, but I walked all the way to another factory in the development zone. It was very far and it took a long time before I came back. The whole family was going crazy.
I was still very young at that time, and I basically have no memories of my childhood. I only remember these things clearly. Hatred is really a good thing. It will not dissipate over time, but will grow infinitely in consciousness. To this day, the hatred for this matter has turned into a huge star that will not collapse, burning in my heart.
My father seems to have grown up on this matter and he never talked to me about it. I think my father loves me, and I love my father. I wonder if he loves his brother more. I don't hate my father for this, but when I think about what my father did, I feel sad and helpless.
Now my grandma and grandpa are dead, and my uncle has completely broken up with my father and uncle. It seems that my uncle doesn't love his brothers very much. I probably won't see him again.
The Self-Material Project is an exploration into the inner self, which includes cherishing and organizing personal memories, dreams and various life fragments. We hope that through this plan, we can build a shared collective subconscious with you, so that we can roam together in the infinite sea. This program encourages us to look back on our experiences and piece together fragmented memories and dreams into a meaningful story in order to better understand ourselves, our past and our future. By sharing and communicating these precious moments, we can create deeper connections and explore together the complexity and beauty of human life.
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