This line jumps out, swells, and becomes impossible to ignore on design drawings.
All of a sudden, I realized that the situation that I now have to deal with was purely by accident, and I looked around (the students who were drawing the drawings and those who were doing everything in their daily lives), and I observed some tiny time differentials, and I felt a few seconds away from real time, and this small gap was pulling me away from an unknown world, like a convulsion tank that collapsed at short intervals under atmospheric pressure.
I studied architectural design at a university, and the choice of construction, which is not based on ideals or aspirations, is the result of a combination of realistic factors that most drain the value of my high scores. I don't have much love for architecture, I don't have enough boredom, and I'm going to develop it in a normal way at a university, and it's going to be my means of survival, and I'm going to buy a home and start a business on it.
But this line jumped out of my design drawings and ruined everything.
When it was first realized, it was just an ordinary straight line. It's caught in the middle of a bunch of lines like it, and it's impossible to distinguish it from other lines without looking at them. It's only part of the design drawings, it's at the link between the beam and the heavy wall, a logical position. I noticed it by accident (although I drew it, it was indeed an accident). He's different from all the lines on this design, and all the other straight lines in the world can't be called straight lines, but they're perfect straight lines that fit all the definitions and praises of straight lines. I look at it, I look at it for a long time, and I understand that the other lines on this drawing are not worthy of it. So I wiped everything else and left this straight line. I put it in this design, which was definitely given zero points by the teacher. But I understand that there are things that are different, that I will not be able to be judged and influenced by anything, and that all I care about is this line ever since.
And then I tried it many times, but I couldn't draw any more lines like it.
That led me to a period of chaos. The fact that I can't draw a perfect line continues to torment me, so I can't pick up a brush or do anything about design. I had to fill myself with all kinds of things, go to events, read books, fall in love, enter into all kinds of intimate relationships in a short period of time or just one-night stand, but I did a lot of things, but I didn't feel well.
For a while I've been crazy about acting, and I've been involved in all kinds of roles for all kinds of teams I can find. I played four or five troupes for months. It flows between groups and quickly enters another role after the end of one role. I like the strong-to-morbid directors, and working with them I just have to do what they ask me to do without thinking. I was called a drama lover, but I was the only one who knew I didn't love anything. I don't want to be more active, I want to be completely another person, I want to be manipulated by a script or one person, I want to be a puppet, I want to be insensitive and I want to give up completely, so I can forget the line.
Later, the show was boring. I don't do anything. I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I'm tired. I began to shrink, to throw away everything, and I tried to find what I needed, to lose all kinds of rejection, something I could not lose. I was very active, in a negative way. In the process, I find that nothing is necessary; friends, lovers, families, nations, mouths are all false notions. Until now I know I can throw everything away.
I lost everything and no longer own anyone or anything. I sleep on the street, and the only thing I keep is the drawings with the line. I tried to throw it away a million times, but I couldn't do it. Last time I tried to throw it away, I didn't eat or drink for a long time. I was lying somewhere in the ruins, and my head was empty, and all that was left was the feeling of death and the mechanical motion to push the plans over and over again. I can't take control of my body until I throw it away. I'm stunned, I'm open, but it's getting darker, slowly black overwhelming, and I can't see anything.
In the dark, I felt the body stretching out in two directions, and it became large and light. I feel like I've lost the shape of a human being, and then I forget what I look like in my parent-named body, and even think it's strange to be myself. I'm turning into something else. What is it? Suddenly I realized I was becoming a straight line.
I see this straight line extending beyond the horizon of infinite distances. This line isn't exactly me, but I'm part of it. Everything that has been missing has returned and is heavier than ever. I'm finally sure what "line" means to me. It is both the truth of the world and my destiny, and for it it requires me to leave it in the world, and for me to use it to determine my place in the world. There is no other way to bind us to fate. I tried to feel it, to confirm that there was nothing false in it, and that's the truth.
My ecstasy, unstoppable joy...
I went back to normal life. I went back to school and started studying the most basic subjects, and I came home and lived with my loved ones. I am no longer afraid of anything, I am no longer averse to anything, I can bear everything, and I can accept that any destiny is shown on my own.
Because I understand that I have won, and I am sure that the next victory will come.