From March to April last year, my life was plunged into unprecedented chaos and uncertainty. Until now, and at the same time, one of my family has been in the grip of a diagnosis of severe illness.
In a sense, we are caught in a synchronous spiral of bitterness, when there are improvements and repetitions, when powerlessness and lowness become the background.
I must understand it as a distant company, an unreasonable synchronization and love. Today, many incredible changes have happened to me, and I have become the new me, and my family, I think, a new her. My life began with too much warmness, joy, joy. She exists and tells me what it's like to sustain my love, warmth, support and care. I've always loved and given in this way.
I've been thinking about her since I was a child, until now, and every second since. Sometimes I can't help but miss her because of fear and lack of courage. Man cannot reject the love and warmth of life. But we have to struggle out of it, stretching out something new along it, so that we can grow roots and blossom.
It is difficult for me to describe in detail every concrete thing that has happened since that year, and to remember a living person who has appeared. I began to look at others in a newer perspective, and I again looked at my disappointment, injury, indifference and rejection. I tried to value all trust more, rely on, bonding, constant care and silent calls. I cry, I regret it, I don't want to regret it, I know that spiders will line up slowly, and I hope in the new spring we can struggle out of the cocoon and see the soft body in the snails' shells.
I know I'll die in a cold winter. Before that, there were many seasons when she turned into air and wind. A part of me should have died long ago, and a part of me or others would have survived. Weak and paranoid.
I used to feel that two parts of me were getting worse. Conflicts and contradictions make me bitter and bitter. I felt ashamed of the brutality and bitterness of the past. I also felt that the world was new, bright and colorful. I sometimes feel completely powerless, sometimes too strong to get out. Fortunately, I have now begun to live softly, trusting in others and firmly guarding them.
I was afraid of everyone, just like they had a blade that could hurt me. The closer I get, the closer the weapon comes to my heart. I can't breathe on many sides of the night, I can't breathe, I can't lie down, I can't feel my blanket too heavy, I can't feel my chest. Since I was seven, I had to develop a habit of breathing through my mouth.
How we'll remember you. My taste, my hobbies, my weakness and my loss, my irritation and my fear. We were given by fate and had to accept it. We will never compromise. We are empty and afraid. We're always looking for a distance that doesn't exist. We care so much. There are countless hot and cool nights. We are full of abundant, and we are not stingy. To disappoint us. At some point in the empty air.
Suffering, shaking hands, weak, strong, I know we understand each other. We wanted it. I can't bear it. Desire. Our costume.
Once upon a time of joy, of all moments of unhappy joy. Then there was weakness and despair, missed and forgotten. I see you're unhappy, and it scares me.
How to remember you. When all grievances become regrets of love, all anger becomes understanding and seeing, and love is understood as a wave. This year is over. I accept this last gift and I would like to share the beautiful lies of both sides, and remember to refrain from singing with you.